Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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