I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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