If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
