she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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