Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
