I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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