I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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