I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
