Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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