i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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