Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!