tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.