Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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