I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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