and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
