So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
