cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
