fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
