if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
