i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
