Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
