went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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