so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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