just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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