I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
