I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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