my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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