Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
