Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
