Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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