I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
