I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
