Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
