Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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