the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
