WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
