then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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