thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
