Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
