I met the friendliest cop last night
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
