I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
