I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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