my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.