TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Canadian or clown?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there