I only kidnapped one of them. chill
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
