why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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