If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
