I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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