yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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