You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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