im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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