this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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