I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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