im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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