They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
