if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.