Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.