She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
