I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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