I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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