Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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