Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
