It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
