your room smells of hookers.
And success
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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